Should A Sex Tape Stop An Upcoming Marriage?

Dear Dr. Karen,
I have been engaged for more than a year and have known my fiancée for many years. In May we are supposed to tie the knot, but I’m having second thoughts. A couple of weeks ago, my fiancée’s cousin (who is my best friend) was doing some work at her apartment. While he was there he took a break and popped in a video that was near the TV. To his surprise it was a sex tape and my future wife was the star of the show. Of course my friend brought the tape for me to see. I’m a grown man and have seen plenty of porn before but not with my woman having sex with another man. I confronted my fiancée with the tape. She told me the video was made more than 20 years ago when she was a sophomore in college. What really got me was that she accepted money for doing this! She explained that the money was needed to help pay part of the tuition. She seemed sorry that I found out about the tape. I asked her why she never mentioned it to me. She was afraid that if I knew it would upset me. You think? It troubles me that she tried to keep this from me and I had to hear it from my best friend. I feel like a fool. She says there’s only one tape but how certain can she be? How many other people have seen this tape? What else is she keeping from me? Our wedding is coming up soon and this video is causing a lot of tension between us. I understand that this happened some time ago. I love her and want to get past this. I’m trying to handle this dilemma, but it’s not an easy thing to do.

                                                                                                                                    ~  Video Blues

Dear Video Blues:
You said you have been with this woman for years, so you knew sex was not new to her. There had to be other men before you. Is the fact the tape was not made with you the real problem? Or, are you embarrassed that your best friend saw it?

The video was made more than 20 years ago while she was in college. I’m sure she is just as upset that you now know about the tape and that your best friend (her cousin) found the tape. Why she even kept the video was dumb and dumber. This is something you should discuss with her. Also, find out if she has other skeletons that she hiding in the closet. You have pretty much shed light on your own dilemma. You understand the video was made a long time ago, you love her and you want to get past this. It’s understandable that your ego is bruised. If you don’t want to call off the wedding, my suggestion is to put a Band-Aid on your ego and after the wedding make your own tape with her.  Do you think the wedding bells will chime?

***Dr. Karen R. January is an expert in male-female relationships.  Her book, “Lessons Mama Never Taught Me,” profiles 10 women and the mistakes they made in parenting, love and life.  It can be purchased at  Please send your questions to Dr. Karen at

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***Disclaimer: The advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. Dr. Karen January and beGeorgeous are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions. Due to the large number of letters received, there is no guarantee that your question will be published.

Photo Credit: Denzel White.  @denzelwhitephoto_

LoveDr. Karen January